Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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