i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Randomize
