U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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