I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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