tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
