how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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