Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
