Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
