You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
