she was so not down for the gang bang
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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