i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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