Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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