Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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