my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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