I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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