fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
