Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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