i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
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His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
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Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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