i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
