You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
