So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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