Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
