You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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