I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
