Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
