theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
