I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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