Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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