i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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