I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
