bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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