I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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