I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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