I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
