I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
