wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
