Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
