Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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