the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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