I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
