Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
