Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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