you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
