I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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