Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
