my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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