we have pet lesbian snakes
i was born a porn star she said
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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