I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
