3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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