if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
