I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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